tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584739877878826372024-03-13T09:32:36.165-07:00Midlife 30Turning 30 made me lose my mind......or did it make me find it? Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-32678595585586958172021-05-21T22:06:00.002-07:002021-05-21T22:06:21.104-07:00On the Precipice of Change I'm so close to moving out of California. Two weeks to be exact. I've been out of my friend's house for a week today due to the landlord freaking out about my dog being a pitt mix. So unfair. Much like the first time I left my ex, time has only proven to make my emotions more raw and painful but this time it feels different. This time, when I cry, it's not from yearning for us to get back together. This time when I cry it stems from the feelings of rejection and failure. I honestly didn't think he would've ever asked me for a divorce....didn't really "ask" me but yelled it into my face that night and then wrote a letter asking for one as well. As bad as some of the times were in the relationship, I didn't ever think that we'd be getting a divorce. My mom told me the other day that she thinks he already has a girlfriend from a picture she saw on Instagram that someone took of him. That hurt. That fucked me up and has for the past two days. Our divorce isn't even official until at least July 20th and he already has a girlfriend. I can say that I'm feeling depressed. I've been crying a lot and the crazy thing is, that I'm messaging and texting friends one thing while I'm sobbing at the same time and nobody knows it. I feel like no one really knows how I feel and of course that's my fault because I haven't voiced those feelings. I feel an immense sense of loss. I feel an overwhelming feeling of failure and hopelessness. I'm making plans for the future while thinking of how pointless and irrelevant life is. My problems are a drop in the ocean compared to all of these people on the planet. Life feels like a big joke where the punchline isn't even funny. Yeah, I feel like shit right now and I'm worried because I'm living by myself for the first time in many years. Can I trust myself to find the motivation to keep going? I'm currently in a dark place, no doubt, and the true test will be pulling myself out of this. I'm trying not to be too self-centered because I know a lot of people have dealt with painful divorces and this is probably nothing compared to some of the other stories out there. I feel like even though people know some of the things that I've experienced, they act like I should act like everything is 100% ok. When everything happened, I had hundreds of friends reach out to me. Now, everyone I interact with acts like I should just be perfectly fine and so excited about my move. They forget why I'm moving. I moved to California with a husband and a job and I lost both of those things in December. I'm leaving empty-handed with the very things I moved here with gone forever and no one thinks of that. They act like I'm on some adventerous journey treking to Florida when in reality I'm going back to Florida with my tail between my legs and a broken heart. It's funny when eveyone thinks of you as the happy cheerful person because once you're put into that box, they can't accept you being anyother way. It's like I was type-casted for a role in life that disables me from sharing my dark times with people. I'm left to absorb the dark times by myself and hopefully not do or say anything too regretable.
A lot of times I'm disgusted with my current situation and my life in general. I'm embarrassed that I have to start all over again at 40. I'm embarrassed to be facing my second divorce. I'm trapped in my emotions and the only one that can save me at this point is myself. I have to get out of my own head. I have to think about all of the bad things that I endured in the relationship and use that as a source of strength to pull myself out of this depression. Very much like I always said about hiking, it was "me against me" to climb those mountains and this is very much the same situation. It's me against myself right now and it's a tough battle. Both opponents equally matched and knowing the weakness of the other...in this case, myself, just destroying myself everyday. This should be a high point. Finally having time by myself to really face my shit and deal with it. I'm facing it head-on because when I'm done dealing with this, I want to truly be finished with it; no lingering emotions and pain. I will be free of this one day. Today just isn't that day. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-41827958508987335662021-01-28T18:11:00.000-08:002021-01-28T18:11:02.995-08:00Shawshank Redemption Yesterday was the first time that I felt depressed about my situation. We've had storms here for the past 30 hours and those storms brought in some sad and hopeless feelings in myself. It was one of those days where I had the strong desire to go to bed at noon and be done with the day but of course, that's not realistic, especially when living with other people. I went through the motions, looked for jobs online, updated my LinkedIn info, made dinner for us three, played video games and then laid awake until about 1am. I had a lot of nightmares last night. It was one of those mornings that when I checked the clock at 7am, I was happy to get up and be done with sleeping. My dreams were of him, and of us getting back together. I kept thinking that it wasn't right, that my family was going to be so pissed at me for getting back together with him. But it wasn't all rosey, it was stressful and argumentative and filled with fear and dread; much like the end of the relationship was. When I first spoke to the paralegal, the night after everything happened, she mentioned that I sounded oddly ok and that I was probably still in shock. I keep hearing her words repeating in my head. Was I in shock? Am I about to have the mental bottom fall right out of me? Today is one month since the night that everything happened. One month exactly. Maybe there are different stages that I'll be going through and the depression/sadness is one of those stages. Not that I haven't been sad, but I've been mad more than anything else. I guess I can only hold onto the energy that it takes to be angry for so long. Maybe a month is my max and now I'm drained and saddness is seeping in, filling those spaces where I held so much anger. "You didn't go through all of that for nothing" just read that quote and damn did I need it. It's important to keep in mind that this is all just a little sliver of my hopefully long life and everything I just experienced, I need to learn the lessons, even if it means just finding strength or fighting those feelings of sadness, and not losing perspective. There are a lot of great things waiting for me and even here, where I am now, there are great things happening. I need to enjoy what I have here now because this will also be something I look back on, maybe even as soon as next month. I learned a new card game, reminded myself of how it feels to do everything on my own again, have began to play a video game from the beginning for the first time in many years, where I don't have to pass the controller off to another player. I would depend on him to fight all of the tough battles because I suck at fighting the difficult bad guys and now, when I come across them, it's all on me to fight them and honestly, I can't wait to do it. It's not going to come as easily to me as it did with him, but that's ok. Even if it takes me a month to beat one guy, I'm going to do it and beat the entire game all by myself.
So I just found out that divorce in California takes at least 6 months and 1 day after filing for it to be finalized and due to covid, it's probably going to take even longer! OMG, I'm going to be legally married to that asshole for most of 2021. Wow that sucks so bad. At least I know why the lawyer seems to be dragging his feet. It's because of how slow this process is. I thought the March 1st court date was the last one but now it seems as if it's the first one and I have no idea what it's even for, ugh. I'm reading about divorce in California and educating myself because I've been feeling like all I've been doing is waiting for the lawyer to contact me, which he has once with the paralegal to say hello and basically that was it. I'm going to have to Kim Kardashian this and learn about the law myself so that I am not surprised like I was tonight. I guess in a way I feel better knowing that it's just going to take several months so I have the freedom to get my ass to Florida and start looking for a good job. I've been eagerly staring at March 1st on my calendar like it was the day that I was going to be released from prison but really it was just a legal bullshit day and I'm not being released until later this year. Back to my cell I go to pass the time and rearrange my expectations. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-19620673323782957282021-01-26T19:14:00.000-08:002021-01-26T19:14:01.826-08:00Home for the Crazy Divorcees I wanted to treat this like a journal. I was never in the habit of keeping a journal, just had a diary when I was a kid and I'm certain that I wrote a lot of embarrassing things. I don't think I'll be too embarrassed here. Everything I write is what I'm feeling and experiencing and if it embarrasses me, then it just means I need to become more comfortable with my truths. For the first time in a long time I'm unemployed and also sort of homeless. I am staying with friends on the generosity of their kindness. They have a marriage that reminds me of my parents. They have a lot of issues and when I'm alone with one of them, I slip into the counselor role as they tell me everything that annoys them about the relationship and major problems. It's a role I easily fall into since it's something that was a big part of my life since the age of 12. My parent's marriage was pretty messed up. My dad would yell when he got angry and my mom would go cry in the bedroom. He then got the habit of yelling at my older sister the same way and she wouldn't yell back either. I would get so pissed. Mad enough to get in his face and yell at him. I took on the role of standing up for my mom and sister, like I was their protector. My mom would write my father long letters at night after she got out a good cry and she'd leave it in the kitchen for him to read in the morning before he left for work and sometimes I would read those letters. Actually, most of the time I would read the letters. He would sometimes write her back and it was fascinating to read those letters and get a glimpse into their relationship on a psychological level. I grew up before I should've grown up. At 12, I was a pro at listening to adult problems and giving logicial advice. I remember a neighbor we had, he had all of the Bob Villa books and he would do woodworking projects in the garage. I remember hanging out in his garage and him venting to me about his wife and their problems. I'd listen and give him the most sage advice a kid ever provided. Looking back, it sounds crazy to me and yet it seemed so normal then. I'm definitely getting flashbacks now that I'm falling back into the marriage counselor role. Hanging out with each of them independently is fun when they're not talking about one another. I can't say I really mind, to me, the fact that they each think about eachother so much while they're apart shows me that they do care. Their relationship has major flaws but neither has completely given up on the other. We have seven marriages in this house between the three of us. It's like living in a halfway house for the insane that somehow believe in marriage but can't figure it out. You'd think between the three of us we'd have some pro tips but there's just a lot of story swapping about the shit that our exes did that was annoying or deal breakers. I've had a lot of good conversations with them since they're 20 years older than me, I've gotten a lot of insight on how they feel about relationships, love, life goals. It's actually been exactly what I need in my life at this moment. Immediately after that night, I was ready to drive cross country to Florida, just watch California disappear into my rearview mirror and I'm so glad I didn't. Well, I actually couldn't because I have so many unsettled things still here. The divorce isn't even finalized and won't be for at least another month. When I do leave, my goal is to have everything settled and nicely buttoned-up so that I can truly start fresh in Florida. I feel ok about everything. I feel sad sometimes when I have thoughts enter my mind about all the happy times and then I feel mad because he threw it all away. Then I just feel numb, because if I think of everything at once, it's too much to handle. I've learned to entertain my thoughts for only a few minutes and then push them away; like if I'm in them for too long, I'll get sucked in and the black hole will find me tumbling down it, landly squarely on Memory Ln and it's not so easy to move out of Memory Ln once you've signed a lease. For now, I've gotta keep moving, barely focusing on one thing for too long for fear of the panic attacks squeezing my chest. I read an article the other night about "How to Deal With Divorce". I actually had good dreams that night that my ex and I were having a civil conversation in our old kitchen. I've read too many articles about being in mentally abusive relationships. It makes me feel embarrassed that I was in one for so long and it terrifies me to think of future relationships. I'm going to really have to trust someone that I date in the future. It's going to take a lot of time....unless I already know him and then all bets might be off. Just kidding, not really. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-41408277206645873432021-01-25T01:01:00.002-08:002021-01-25T01:01:48.379-08:00Forgive But Never ForgetIt's been almost a month now since the shit hit the fan. I managed to lose my husband, home an job in one night. Not sure many people can make that statement. He was diagnosed with bipolar years before I even met him and didn't want to take medication, which I did support his decision. We hadn't spoken about this since meeting in 2012 when we were in the stages of getting to know one another and he told me so many terrible things about himself but I thought "look how real and loyal I am" so I stayed. I didn't flinch when he told me things about his past.
The weeks leading up to that night he had become really manic. Waking at 4:30am, not really eating, becoming more and more hostile. Our marriage had began to deteriorate extremely slowly. He was losing patience with me, cutting me off when I spoke, not answering when I spoke to him but I figured it was maybe a rough patch and things would right themselves. In the eight months of consuming weed he had quickly become obssessed with it. If he wasn't smoking from the bong, he had the vaporizor tube stuck in his mouth, removing it only to eat dinner and then promptly reinserting it until bedtime. It was like he couldn't get high enough. It made me sad to watch. I felt like I could literally see his brain malfunctioning, trying so hard to get higher and higher, but looking for a high that thc couldn't provide. A few times I nagged him and told him to slow down or chill out but that would only make him stop for an hour and then he'd be right back to it. I don't know how long this realistically could've lasted because I think in May when he took his first hit it was the beginning of the end, all over again. I guess what I learned from this is that an addict is an addict, whether it's alcohol or weed or anything that gets you to another level. We were so careful that we didn't even use mouthwash with alcohol in it, only for it all to go to shit with weed. He made a friend that gave him shrooms one of the first times they met which I thought was weird but did remind me of the time when we were dating during part 1 that one of his co-workers told me he had been asking him for coke. I confronted him and of course he said it was for someone else and I dropped it. The thing about me is that I forgive but I never forget. I have the capacity to forgive almost anything. Sometimes it takes me many months and even years to forgive but I do forgive. Forgetting, well that's not part of my self-preservation. So when he showed up with shrooms after just meeting this guy, I knew that he steered the conversation to drugs. I knew it and it hurt like hell to know that he had really slipped beyond my reach at that point. We ate the shrooms on Christmas Eve, Merry Christmas let's get fucked up and open presents. I didn't smoke that night, honestly he had turned me off of smoking at that point. Just like he turned me off of alcohol in part 1, part 2 ruined weed for me. To watch someone consume so much of it with the desparation that he did, it was gross. I went to bed, not feeling anything becuase I think I ate too much dinner and didn't eat many of the shrooms. He smoked, a lot and when I kissed him goodnight his blue eyes were black with his pupils dialated to the full extent. But I went to bed and slept and looked forward to having the next day off. That weekend he was the most manic I had ever seen him. He was on the phone with customer service people for three hours. One minute he'd be tearing her down and then the next minute he'd be making small talk. The atmosphere in the house was so crazy that I just sat outside as long as I could. It was making me feel crazy listening to him. I felt like I physically could not be near him. I felt my anxiety was at it's peak due to his unpredictablity at this point. I was so mad at him that he had me feeling like I couldn't even be in the house. When he got done yelling at the customer service people, he turned the music up as loud as he could and proceeded to clean and do anything except interact with me. It was a terrible day. That was the last Sunday in December. Monday seemed ok, I went to work and when I got home we ate, took showers and had plans to hang out and then something snapped inside of him. He began breaking everything in the house. Shattering the vases that houseplants were in, throwing them on the floor, opening the front door and chucking them outside. Tearing down the blinds in the kitchen, ripping out items from the entertainment system all while yelling at me, eyes bulging with hatred. It was so scary and so surreal and so out of left field, that I didn't even know how to handle it. He had never physically intimidated like he was on this night. I was shaking but staying quiet. I knew by the way he was acting that me saying anything he didn't like was going to end even more badly than the night was already going to. I agreed with everything he said, hand washed all the dishes he threw into the dishwasher and then said I was going to bed. Well, the night was not over for him or for me either. I'm skipping a lot of terrible details because frankly, I'm shaking just writing this much about what happened. He screamed a lot of things at me and was making less and less sense as the night went on. When I was in bed hearing him continue to break more things upstairs, I decided that when I left for work the next morning I was going to drive straight to the airport and buy a one way ticket to Florida. I was going to leave with my purse and the clothes on my back and get the hell away from him. It made me cry to think about petting my dog one last time but I didn't see any way out. That seemed like the best plan until he started yelling about me quitting my job and making me say, "yes, I quit my job. I will not go in tomorrow". That was at around 3:30 in the morning. At 4 he began to come downstairs and yell at me and break things in the room. One of the times he went upstairs I locked the door and called 911. I had enough time to tell them my address and why I was calling before he was threatening to break down the locked door. I hid the phone under the covers and kept 911 on the call. He began to flip the breaker switch, leaving the room in total darkness and also began trying to remove my glasses. One of the times he went around the corner to flip the breaker again I made a run for it. I ran out through the sliding glass door and my dog followed. I ran up the driveway across the lot up to the street and down the street. I crawled up and into an embankment on the side of the road. By this time is was 5am. I laid there with my face pressed against the dirt, shivering from the cold and terror with the realization that if he were to find me that I think he was going to kill me. My dog laid there with me, shivering as well with his face pressed against my arm an he dared not even make a wimper. He was terrified and dammit we were in this together. I think it took almost 20 minutes for the cops to arrive. I saw the lights flashing and heard yelling and then silence. I was half expecting to hear gunshots because he was so out of control. Once it was quiet for a few minutes, I walked down the road and back to the house. He laid there with the taser prongs still attached to his body and wouldn't you know it, he was still yelling at me. What a mindfuck. They took him away and I got to packing. This time I packed more than I did the first time around. I packed some jewelery and sunglasses and shoes and of course my dog. I went back to the house once to get more of my belongings but the owners had let him come back so a lot of my things were gone. A watch my mom gave me when I was a teenager was gone and I'm still kicking myself for not packing it when I left that day. He had packed all of my clothes into tubs. Well, not all of my clothes. He picked and chose what to throw away and what to pack. Even then, he was still exerting some sort of control. Just pissed me off and made me shake my head about it all. I took all the clothes that he packed and gave away a few garbage bags worth to Goodwill. A lot of my shoes that were still there only had one foot. Did he really take the time to throw one foot away from each pair of shoes? Yes, yes he did. I wouldv'e been okay never going back to that house and I didn't think I coul do it but then a few nights before I was thinking, "fuck him for making me so afraid that I can't even go back to a house".
I've been staying with friends for the four weeks and am planning on moving back to Florida. He was served with divorce papers and a restraning order last week, so when that is finalized then I'm out of here. I'll make sure to flip this state the bird when I leave. Valentines day is coming up in a couple of weeks and honestly I feel so damn bitter. I don't think I'll every marry again. I just think the idea of marriage is outdated. I'm about to turn 40 and have two divorces now under my belt. I think I'm tapping out of the marriage game. I'm all set with that. I've been wanting to keep a journal and I thought why not unbury this gem and make this my journal. I'm sure many fucked up things are still on the horizon for me. I'm not all gloom and doom. I'm excited to go back home. Ten years is a long time to be aways and most of my friends I haven't seen in all the years I've been gone living all over the U.S. I'm ready for the next chapter and I'm optomistic about life in terms of work and just hanging out with friends and family. Love, I don't want to hear that dirty four lettered word muttered around me, at least not for a while. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-63051102672218971292021-01-25T00:10:00.004-08:002021-01-25T00:10:35.068-08:00Choices The seven months that we spent apart was a whirlwind. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and my mind. I moved closer to the restaurant I was cooking at and rented a room from a guy I found on Craigslist. I cooked at a restaurant that I really enjoyed with co-workers that I still keep in touch with. I went running on the beach, right past the apartment I used to live in and I admit to stopping the first few times and just staring at the patio where I used to sit and I'd just cry. I would think about all those happy feelings I had living there and all of the terrible ones I felt as well. I dated the guy I rented the room from which was a huge mistake...shocking, I know but I guess it just felt good to be with someone nice again. That only lasted a few months and I began looking for my own place. I found a cute little basement apartment, still nearby where I was cooking. The landlady was the sweetest old woman and I was happy once again. I had my own place in the Bronx and I loved that little apartment. I had butterfly stickers on the wall that my sister sent me and my clothes hangers were pink and black velvet. My ex moved in sometime in 2013, by calling me one night and telling me he had nowhere to go. Should've been a red flag that his parents wouldn't even take him in at this point and he had obviously burned all of his bridges. My girly apartment quickly turned into our space as he shoved his concert tees into the closet and began to redecorate while I was at work. So, this basement apartment was an opportunity for me to have my own space again. I decorated it, bought some furniture, kept it nice and tidy. Life was beginning to feel normal again. I felt like I was on the right path again, living the life I had wanted to live when I moved to New York. I began dating a regular from the restaurant. He was quite a bit older then me, I think about 16 years older, which was not my usual dating preference but he was youthful and loved good food and wine. I think we lasted about three or four months. In that timespan we went to Paris, took multiple trips to Florida where he owned a home, flew to Chicago to dance the night away to the blues, ate at top restaurants in the city and saw some of the best jazz concerts I've ever seen at the Lincoln Center. The heart wants what it wants and it doesn't what it doesn't. I found myself feeling really rushed in the relationship. He had the pressure on me to move in with him, getting into the habit of mentioning it almost every night as we said goodbye at my car or in front of my apartment. A friend of mine said "what's the worse that could happen?" so I took that sage advice and ran with it. I moved all of my items out of the basement apartment and into a rental home with him. It didn't take me very long to feel like I had majorly fucked up. And here I was, eyeball deep in this relationship, living with the guy, and how was I going to get out of this one? My sister came to visit in January 2015 and while she was visiting, I received an email from my ex. He was at a halfway house in the city and wanted to meet up to speak with me. I had always felt that the relationship ended with no satisfactory finality, so I agreed to meet him at a diner to get some closure. I took my sister to JFK and met up with him at the diner. Of course before I got to the diner, I stopped at CVS to buy him things he had requested, like a little travel bag, razor, toothpaste. You know, things a convict doesn't have when he's just been released. Stupid me, I was already wrapped around his finger and I hadn't even seen or spoken to him in seven months. We met at the diner and he did all of the talking. I should've given him hell. I should've made him accountable for all of the shitty things that he said to me and shitty way he made me feel but I didn't. I just sat there and listened to all of his bullshit stories. I drove him back to the halfway house and he kissed me before he got out of the car, and I kissed him back although it felt weird and wrong. Driving back home I knew I had to end the relationship I was currently in. He was waiting for me an pissed. He had read the email my ex wrote me and suspected that I had met up with him. He was right and had every right to be angry. Well he wasn't angry, he was pissed and his temper slowly began creeping up more and more. He kept coming into the bedroom and then leaving to pace the house, only to come barge in again and repeat this process for a while. He told me I had to leave, which I was fine with and I actually left that same night. I was already mentally done with the relationship and my ex was an easy way out. Well not an easy way out, more of an unhealthy, familiar road that I had traveled. So off I went and got back into the process of finding an apartment, moving my ex and myself into it and figuring out this part 2 of the relationship. This time alcohol was not allowed since that's what destroyed the relationship in part 1. Onward we continued that way, managing hotels together, moving to different cities, bickering here and there with only a mean outburst from him a few times a month. We married in November of 2016 and he got on one knee while gazing up into my eyes so lovingly. I was moved and felt more in love with him in that moment than I had ever felt.
The years went on and we stuck with the sobriety until May of 2020. At this point we were living on the West Coast and I remember we were listing to Stick Figure and I said "this makes me want to smoke weed and it is legal here...." that's all it took. He was onboard and within the next few minutes we were googling where and how to purchase weed. We placed an order and he made a pipe with a screen for us to smoke out of. Eight months later, the bottom would fall out of our relationship in one terrifying night. Everything we worked for, all the dreams we had, all of it gone in one night. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-14210148632954515672021-01-24T23:36:00.004-08:002021-01-24T23:36:49.354-08:00CuntWell, here I am...ten years later. When I began this I was getting divorced, moving to NYC and starting my career to cook professionally. Now, ten years later, I'm getting divorced again, moving back to Florida and hoping to revive my cooking career. I seriously can't make this shit up! I've been in a relationship with my current, soon to be ex husband since meeting in 2012. We dated until May 2014 and broke up until Jan 2015. He had an alcohol monitoring bracelet around his ankle when I met him, charming, I know. Honestly, he was so different than my first ex-husband. This guy was a loud New Yorker with a I don't give a fuck attitude. I liked that he had been in trouble because I always felt that if I wouldn't have been married from the age of 23-30, I probably would've gotten myself in trouble too! He was facing some charges and always managed to get out of doing jail time by going to rehab. Needless to say, I spent Thanksgiving of 2013 taking a train from Penn Station all the way to Port Jefferson in Long Island to vist him at one of the rehab locations he would stay during our relationship. Once visiting him, arriving back at Penn Station, I proceeded to go to TGIFridays, sat at the bar, ordered a tall cold beer and a dozen chicken wings. I guess it felt exciting to be with someone that had so many issues and so much baggage. Wow, it seems weird to admit that but I think that's what it was really all about. Oh and the sex, well that was really what hooked me if I'm being completely honest. So onward our relationship went until he began to get blackout drunk everyday and pass out at night. Sometimes he'd pass out in our (my) queen sized bed, laying diagonally and I wouldn't be able to move him, so I'd fall asleep in a chair. Seems so pathetic now that I think about it. Was the sex really that good? At that point, it was non-existent, so no, it was not good anymore and why I put up with him I'm not sure. My last cooking job in 2013 was a well known restaurant in the Lower East Side and the hours were intense. I was living far North in the Bronx and would need to be there by 10am. I actually took the job as a prep cook, although by that point I was more than capable to cook on the line as I had done in so many restaurants around the city. It was just one of those opportunities that I felt like I had to take a step back in order to possibly move forward. The shift would end after dinner shift and even after the kitchen upstairs was cleaned. The cooks were in the habit of having a beer and making sausage after dinner and cleaning, so I'd often still be there at 12 or 12:30 at night. He insisted on picking me up from work, since he was cooking at a restaurant in Long Island and would drive into Manhatten on the LES and he got into the habit of yelling at me if he had to wait a couple of minutes. He berated me almost every night all the way up to the Bronx. And yet, I still stayed. In 2014 we moved to Long Beach, Long Island and we had an apartment right across the street from the beach! I could hear and see the ocean from the front patio. It was glorious. All my life living in suburbia Florida and I finally had an apartment on the beach in NY. The blackouts didn't end and by May he was in his own world. I didn't even feel like we were in a relationship anymore. One night while blackout drunk, he called me a cunt. This was actually the second time he did it. The first time he did it, we were in the Bronx and I cried all night. I wrote him a note telling him that I couldn't be with someone that called me that and disrepected me so badly. He laid on top of me when he found the note and cried, assuring me that he'd never do that again. Well, here we were a few months later and I felt like I had to stay true to my word. So, I left in the middle of the night. He was so wasted, I packed to huge suitcases in the same room he was sleeping and he never even woke up. I wrote a note this time too. I wrote something along the lines of "I'm leaving and now you don't have to worry about hurting my feelings anymore". How naive for me to think that he actually cared in the first place but I'm an eternal optomist and see good in people even when it doesn't exist. That was May 2014.
Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-47848137120863046652016-05-30T15:24:00.000-07:002016-05-30T15:24:05.833-07:00Pissing on the ParadeAlright! So, we're planning a trip to Mexico for January vacation. Apartment is booked, car rental and flight all booked. My guy was talking about getting machetes and hiking through the jungle; he was only half kidding. So hiking became a topic of discussion and his attitude was "yeah, cool, we'll go hike in a jungle somewhere. We'll figure it out." And my first thought was "lets do some research to see where to hike. Some where that might end with a cool view based on where other people have hiked instead of just stopping on the side of the road and walking through a jungle, only to come back two hours later half eaten from mosquitos and miserable." So, apparently I'm always negative. It's like I have to be extra realistic for the both of us. I'm waiting to look in the mirror and have the resting bitch face that some women have. I used to think it was their fault but now I'm wondering if it's a product of their environment from their relationship. Sometimes you have to piss on their parade. Of course, all of this discussion and these thoughts took place while we're running breakfast for a full hotel. That's another reason I don't recommend working with your significant other. You have these super personal, emotionally charged conversations and then a second later a guest is asking is for a scone recipe and I have to grit my teeth and smile. I'm straddling the line of my personal and professional life every minute of every day. I'll be expecting a trophy once this job is over.
At least there weren't any guest complaints today! We got every extra set of keys back from the guests and there were only two late check-out requests. Woo Hoo!!
So I was thinking that I should add some sort of food knowledge, since I have a lot of info in my head about food. I've been making popovers for the breakfast and did a couple hours of research on how to successfully make popovers. I've made about 200 at this point and here are some tips: 1) heat pans in the oven while making the batter 2) can use cooking spray on light metal pans but if used in a dark metal pan they won't rise 3) warm the milk before adding to the frothy eggs 4) they collapse because they are still raw inside. So cook at 400, once they've risen and begin to get good color, lower to 350 to finish cooking. 5) Prepare to feel victorious!!!Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-84908640555657361462016-05-28T08:52:00.001-07:002016-05-28T08:52:19.069-07:00Memorial Day WeekendHere we are, Memorial Day weekend!It's bringing back so many memories of summer 2012 when I cooked in Montauk. It's reminding me of how it felt to work in a beach town, conversations all focus on the beaches and where to eat in town. It has a vibrancy about it all.
We've been having a lot of discussions about running the hotel after our contract is up next year. It's not easy 1) working with your significant other 2) living in an apt located at your place of work. We went through some tough months of a lot of bickering with one another, every answer had an attitude behind it, almost every conversation was pertaining to work. It's been a huge lesson to learn how to separate work and our personal lives. We had decided that it would be best to have separate jobs next year and have two full days off together because as of now, we don't have a day off. We work seven days a week and sleep with an emergency phone next to our bed in case a guest needs something. Now my guy is weighing the pros and cons of the job. We keep going back and forth about it. I think we're getting brave because now we have a full time employee to help relieve us from our 15 hour days. We're thinking "Hey, we could do this for a few more years" But I still very clearly remember how it felt to argue all the time and sometimes not be able to separate work from our personal lives because we were the only two people working at the hotel! Yuck.
Guest complaint yesterday: "the water in the shower is not getting cold enough." I would never have thought, in a million years, that I would ever hear that as a complaint!! Also watched this guest's mom drink her coffee from a cereal bowl during breakfast. I couldn't make this stuff up.
Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-24418649258425291222016-05-20T08:44:00.001-07:002016-05-20T08:44:20.137-07:00Three years later.....Hi 2016!Wow, so it's been three years since I've blogged! I'm sitting in my apartment, frustrated because I was venting about work to my boyfriend, who surprisingly, doesn't want to hear it! As I found myself wishing that I come back as a lesbian in my next life so that I can date women and have real conversations with my partner, I said to myself "Fuck it, I'll blog about it". Who cares if no one reads it, at least I'll be able to get some things out.
So, I'll pretend that someone read my first posts and is dying to know what's happened in the past three years since I last blogged. Well, A LOT has happened!! I ended up living in NY for a total of four years. I cooked in eight restaurants, lived in Astoria, the Bronx, Long Beach, New Hyde Park and Mineola. Got my heart broken and found out what it's like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Got two more tattoos. Saw Snoop Lion in concert, dated someone with a child (which I swore I'd never do), dated someone else that took me to California, Chicago, Paris and Florida all in the span of two months, reconciled with my ex, now a recovering alcoholic and am currently living in Newport, RI managing a hotel!
What a whirlwind it's all been.
Wow, this blogging thing does make me feel better! It's like an online diary that's open to the public, what a concept! Had a couple of bloggers that stayed at the hotel for a few days and she said "you should start a food blog!" Which although I really appreciated it, I feel like there are so many food blogs currently online. I'm going to keep with the idea of just blogging about life and maybe one day, I'll turn it into a book!
I'm going to try to include ridiculous stories about the guests that stay at the hotel because it's been so entertaining and I think it should be shared to bring joy to all. We've been managing the hotel since September 2015, we live on-site and have no kitchen in our apt, so we cook in the hotel kitchen and have zero privacy. We've got a dog and although I often want to give him a karate chop to the neck sometimes, he's been a ray of sunshine. We cook bfast every morning for guests and that's been my cooking outlet since taking this job. The guests love the food, take pictures and ask if we use caterers here. Some I tell that we cooked professionally in NY and others I just say thank you and keep it as our little secret.
Let's see, guests are mainly pleasant and really awesome! We had one guest a couple of weeks ago bring us black and white cookies from NY! She asked on the phone if I wanted anything from NY and I said Hell Yes, Black and White Cookies and she came through! Brought 5 black and whites straight from the bakery in Commack, NY. We got a couple of free tickets to the Food and Wine festival and we ate our way through in two hours no drinking of course! Haven't drank since January 2014 and as long as we're together, I'll never drink again as a show of support for his sobriety.
Guest stories:
- A few weeks ago we delivered a breakfast basket to a room, which is what this hotel does when it has five or less rooms booked. They called the emergency after hours phone at 8:30am "appalled" at the bfast we brought them. They wanted jam, salt & pepper and milk brought up. Said something about breaking the law and false advertisement regarding breakfast. It's amazing how worked-up people get over something that's included in the price of their room. Their eyeballs were popping out of their heads from anger as they complained to me the next morning about the breakfast basket, the guy vacuuming the stairs the afternoon they checked in three hours early, they wanted "tea service" in the afternoon, I can't even remember all of the things they complained about.
- Had a guest call the other day and get the rate for a room for a family of four. When I quoted him the rate, he began to barter with me. Saying "what if I leave one of my kids at home?!!?" "what if you only charge me for three?!?!" "Come on, give me a discount, work with me! What's your name??" And I just kept repeating "I'm sorry sir, I can't break the rules for you. If you show up with four people, I'm charging you for four people." He promised to call back at 8am the next morning.
- Received a call from a guest complaining about the new website. "There used to be a calendar on the website and I could punch in my dates and search all of the prices and availability. Where is it??!!" All I could say was "I'm sorry ma'am we redesigned the website and it's no longer there" She says "Well that's stupid! I guess I'll have to call back and keep someone on the phone for 30 minutes when I have more time to call back." Yep, we'll be here give us a call.
I think the phone is my current nemesis here at the hotel. People call all day and night. The phone doesn't stop ringing and it's half people just asking for rates and availability (they don't book) and the other half of the calls are people asking random questions that pop into their heads. Do you have a pool? (No) Room with a view? (We're in a residential area) How far are you from all of the shops? Beach? Mansions? What restaurants should we eat at? What restaurant can accommodate a dinner for 150? Pet friendly? How far are you from the Naval academy? Brown University? Should we visit Brown while there?
Do people not research vacations anymore? Isn't it supposed to be fun to pick a spot to go and research all the things you could do? I'm planning a nine day vacation to Mexico right now and I've already got lists of restaurants, beaches and shopping to do while there. I'm reading Fodor's, Lonely Planet and Trip Advisor reviews plus the other HUNDREDS of websites of other travel info. WTF people.
In other news, I received a letter from the IRS yesterday about my taxes not being filed correctly. I finally hired an accountant to do my taxes after doing my own for the past ten years and BAM, the IRS is trying to be a penpal. Also, haven't been on Facebook for about two months and I'm not sure I'm going back anytime soon. I've read so many articles about how social media like FB can make you unhappy, so suck it FB. Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-45867743684939881442013-02-28T00:36:00.003-08:002013-02-28T00:36:27.945-08:00Back to bloggingWell, almost 8 months have passed since the last time I blogged. Life really got hectic over the summer last year. I ended up working near Montauk during the second half of July and all of August. It was a great surprise to see the beach; definitely something I didn't think I was going to get to experience here in New York after moving from Florida. I broke up with my boyfriend in the beginning of August. Distance and too much work made all the uncertainties I had about dating him real. It seems pointless to work at something you don't really want.
I continued back at the same restaurant that I was working at before I moved over the summer. I also kept my apt in the Bronx, so the transition was easy once summer ended. I did start dating someone new in October and we're still dating but don't live in the same town but this time, the distance actually works. We spend a few days together and then he goes back to his town and I stay here, work and couch surf several nights a week at friends' apartments. I think the arrangement is ideal right now because we're both trying to find a footing in the culinary world.
I'm at a new restaurant now, in Chinatown. The area is so great. I love all of the markets with their dehydrated....everything! Oysters, scallops, mushrooms...everything dehydrated. I put my two weeks in at my other job and the chef fired me the next day. Money is as tight right now as it was when I first moved to New York. My sister sent me money, my boyfriend gave me money. My credit card balance is increasing every week as I need to put money on my Metro card. I let myself go crazy over it for a couple of weeks and now that I've began working again, I'm starting to feel better and a little more at ease. I get my first paycheck in two days and hopefully in a month, I'll be in a better financial state.
I feel like everything that is happening to me here is still teaching me lessons that I never learned. The pure lack of control of money is proving to be a massive lesson that I'm learning. I was brought up in a household to be proud of money earned because both of my parents came from Brazil and valued every penny they earned but for some reason I put a lot of focus on money. After graduating from college, I had so many thoughts of earning $50,000...$60,000...etc etc and I did reach a point where I did well and I felt so proud and confident and then I went to culinary school and became a cook. Now I'm back at the bottom financially but I'm trying to learn that money can't be tied to my happiness. I need to be happy and feel fulfilled without money in my bank account. That has been the hardest lesson for me to learn but its one that is being forced upon me every day and I'm determined to learn this lesson.Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-62490708501894344122012-07-04T23:05:00.001-07:002012-07-04T23:14:26.909-07:00Happy 4th of July....8 months in NY<div><p>8 months in NY and things are looking up! I found a little apartment today in the Bronx. Its far North in the Bronx but I don't think its too far from where I work. It's a commute from Astoria, where my friends are and my boyfriend is but at least I have my own place. I move at the end of July in a couple of weeks. Its a small apartment that has a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom. Its located on the second floor of a house. I like the area; I thought it looked like Astoria which I thought was funny. I'm excited to have my own place. Its still not ideal but I'm slowly getting closer to how I want to live in this great city. </p>
<p>One if my main thoughts that helped lead me to getting a divorce was the fantasy of having my own place, which I've never had. I went from having roommates in my early twenties to being married at 23 and living together for eight years. So, eight months of living in NY and I'm achieving an enormous goal that I secretly set for myself last year. I think that's pretty damn good!</p>
<p>My relationship with my boyfriend is nicely progressing. The more time we spend together the better it gets. I think we'll figure out the distance issue with me moving to the Bronx, but I guess time will tell. I'm trying to go with the flow and take things as they happen instead of worrying too much. </p>
<p>Happy independence day to the USA and also to me!</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-17168369884321830622012-06-25T09:57:00.001-07:002012-06-25T10:26:44.031-07:00The changes continue<div><p>So, I'm approaching eight months in NY and am facing my third move since I've been here! I've been at my current apartment for three weeks. The second week I was here, the landlord told me that my current roommate hasn't paid rent in a while and that I'm not allowed to be living here. She had a boyfriend living with her at this apartment, so I'm not sure why I'm not allowed to live here. I'm searching for a studio apartment but affordable places do not include the Astoria area. I've made a lot of friends in Astoria and have a boyfriend that lives near here but realistically I can't afford an apartment in this area.</p><br>
<p>I've got a second job cooking in the Hamptons for the summer. Its helped my income a lot and I'm having a great time out there. While I'm working there I'm staying in an apartment above the restaurant. Imagine six cooks and a bartender living together. Its more fun than we should be allowed to have. In the morning we stumble downstairs and go to work. After our shifts and after a lot of drinking, we find ourselves back in the restaurant kitchen in pajamas at 4am cooking burgers for ourselves. The joke is that the place is like summer camp for us cooks. I hope to be a part of it through September. </p><br>
<p>In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive and not worry so much about everything. I hate not having a solid place to live and of course money is still a concern. I even worry about the guy I'm dating and if we're compatible enough. I need to learn to let go of the stresses and enjoy life for what it is. </p><br>
<p>I'm tempted to find a really cool job that combines my culinary and marketing experience. Something unique to NY. I moved to this city for opportunity, not to be just a line cook like I was in Tampa. I feel like my current job is a stepping stone. I'm getting closer to what I ultimately want to do. I love food but I miss the interaction with people. </p>
<p>My journey is in full swing here in NY. Sometimes I have to dig really deep to find the courage to keep going and not let the stress get to me. It's a weekly battle but I think I'm winning.<br>
</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0Astoria, Astoria40.762394 -73.93011tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-72556562630412848032012-06-10T19:36:00.001-07:002012-06-10T20:09:38.254-07:00Seven months<div><p>Six days ago I hit the seven month mark of living in NY! In some ways it went by quickly; in other ways it feels like I've been in NY for a long time. </p>
<p>I've learned a lot in the past seven months. The first time being away from my hometown, my family and all of my friends changed me a bit. I'm currently in Florida visiting my family and my mom said I seem a lot quieter than I used to be. I have a friend that said I seem stronger. I think all of my subway rides amongst strangers that don't talk to one another taught me to keep to myself more. Also living with someone I had never met before and working 80 hours per week my first two months taught me to keep to myslef more. Being stuck with my thoughts and being completly exauhausted probably made me stronger too. I never depended much on my family and friends but being alone in a city like NY does something to you.</p>
<p> Seeing all the families on vacation and the lovers holding hands made me a little bitter and hardend me a bit and I think I carried that along with me. Not that its a bad thing but it did change me. I also got a hard time at my first restaurant where I worked for being from Tampa, so that was another little layer that got built within me. </p>
<p>In all honesty, I do feel very different. Being here in FL makes it more apparent to me. I feel a little out of place because I've been gone from everyone's daily lives. I feel like my life is very separate and far away from theirs. That makes me sad but I guess that's what happens when you move far away. </p>
<p>I keep asking myself why I moved. I moved for the reasons that most people move, for a better opportunity and advancement in my career, to change my life, to embark on a new adventure, to prove to myself that I can really acccomplish anything I want. I want to keep reminding myself the whole point of all of this. I'm happy but still not 100% happy. I'm not sure if anyone is and if this is an attainable goal. I wonder if there's something missing in my life. Would being a mom make me entirely happy? I'm 31, this is a realistic thought in my head. Is a career rewarding enough to provide that happiness that I'm looking for? These are the questions that I ask myself weekly as I watch the weeks roll by on the calendar. </p>
<p>Do I think about life too much?</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-10085731010061276742012-04-30T21:06:00.001-07:002012-04-30T21:09:16.694-07:0030 Days to Find a Roommate and an Apartment. Ready, Set, Go!!<div><p>So I've been seeing someone for about a month and we've been officially dating for a couple of weeks. Things have been going good with him. Work is great. I've met a lot of cool people and have had a blast at various bars in Astoria. While everything has been going great, my life with my roommate has steadily gone down hilll. <br>
She started giving me problems after my bf stayed the night on the weekend. She said having someone over stressed her out. My sister came to visit a couple of weeks ago and my roommate told me that stressed her out too. Since my bf can't come over, we hung out on the roof. She said I can't hang out on the roof anymore because someone might fall off and sue she and the landlord. She complained that I get home too late. I am a 31 year old woman paying half of the rent.....right??? So, swf sent me an email this morning telling me our living arrangement isn't working and that I have 30 days to move out. I really wanted to email her back telling her what a disgusting and inconsiderate roommate she has been. She doesn't always flush the toilet after taking a shit, leaves dirty underwear on the ground, tells me digusting things about her period every month, has clothes all over the apartment and wakes me up by talking to herself.<br>
I've got 30 days to find a roommate and an apartment if I want to stay in Astoria or get a cheap place by myself in Brooklyn, the Bronx or Harlem.<br>
I've been wanting to move out but hadn't really pursued it. Now I've gotten the kick in the ass that I needed. This is streassful but it's a good thing. 30 days.....</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-68669797223337490312012-04-05T00:32:00.001-07:002012-04-05T00:32:14.278-07:00Six month anniversary<div><p>Today is April 4. I've been living in NY for 6 months now. I can honestly say that I am happy here and feel like I'm making a life for myself. I love the restaurant that I'm cooking in, have become close to my roommate, the apartment we share feels like home, I've made lots of friends, met a guy I like and I've seen a lot of the city. I'm happy here and wouldn't change a thing. The future is looking bright.</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-55153205635957242942012-03-14T11:39:00.001-07:002012-04-05T00:27:37.772-07:00I've found it!<div><p>I've found it! I've found myself! Five months of living here and I'm happy now. It was a tough five months. Part of me was still in Tampa because I had the assanine idea to get involved with someone before I left. We gave it our best efforts, texting, messaging, sending naughty pics, talking about his plans of moving to NY but in the end, it didn't work out. I realized that I was so consumed on our future plans I wasn't living and enjoying the present. My thoughts were always on him and wondering when I would hear from him again. I think we both put in a lot of effort and we both exausted ourselves too. Now it feels like life is going 100%.<br>
I've made lots of new friends, am hanging out with a guy that I'm wildly attracted too and life is finally moving forward....because I'm living in the present.</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-13558479878075389872012-03-05T23:31:00.001-08:002012-03-05T23:42:45.286-08:00Five months<div><p>Today, March 4th, marks five montns that I've been living in NY. I think as long as I'm in this city, the 4th of every month will have some meaning for me....at least for a while! <br>
I've hung out some really cool guys here in the past couple of weeks. Some of which I would seriously consider dating. I've decided not to move out of my current apartment that I share with my roommate. <br>
I had a realization that for me to truly embrace my life here, I had to let go of some people in FL;specifically the guy that I really liked that is still living in FL and has plans to move up here one day. It hurts a bit to think about him but I'm trying to let all of that go and live in the present, which is here in the big city.</p>
<p>I'm currently trying to decide how long I want to be a line cook. I remember the first few weeks of clocking in at work when the computer verified my "job assignment" as line cook, the sense of pride, accomplishment and pride I felt. Now, it's gotten a little stale. I miss the interaction with people. Being a line cook consists of coming into work, doing a ton of prep, cooking all night while getting criticized by the chef and then cleaning up. Go home, do it all over again the next day. I'm questioning if I can really do this long term. I want to find a job that combines cooking with a more laid back atmosphere. Maybe something that combines customer interaction. I've looked at working on some food trucks. I think that would be fun! I don't know. I'm still trying to find a good fit but I do feel that I'm closer to finding that than I have ever been before in my life.</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-83432605438482781202012-02-24T00:34:00.001-08:002012-02-24T00:34:12.567-08:00I am human<div><p>I'm generally a happy person, so I guess feelings of unhappiness are normal. My last blog was about me feeling very blah and missing my family and friends. For the record, I don't think that I'm an unhappy person, just get those feelinhs sometimes...so I am like everyone else in that regard! <br>
When I was on the train today I was looking around at everyone (no ipod still!!) and I was thinking about the basic traits we all have that make us similar. I saw faces that looked exhausted, faces that were enjoying the music they were listenting to, faced that reflected thoughts of a far away place...all faces that I've had. Its nice to be around people and to see the similarities. We've all had happiness and have endured struggles and I see people everyday that remind me that we're all the same. Compassion is what I feel for the strangers that I see everyday because I know many have had the same emotions I've had.<br>
I've done the same thing my family did over thirty years ago; move somewhere far away in search of a better future. My family moved from Brazil to a country where they didn't even speak the language, so how hard can this be for me? This is nothing compared to what they experienced. Sacrificing and chasing a better future runs in my family and here I am in New York continuing the chase!</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-82896672966485641322012-02-18T23:01:00.001-08:002012-02-18T23:18:33.399-08:00Happiness<div><p>Two days ago was my bday...31 now. One year after my "awakening". I think about where I was in my life one year ago. Married, feeling like my life was written out for me being married and working in marketing. I thought about the possibility of not being married and following my dreams of cooking professionally. So here I am, one year later, divorced and employed as a cook in NYC. <br>
Am I happier, yes...in some ways. Life is unpredictable, which is what I wanted but I'm surrounded by people that I've known for a few months. I miss my Tampa friends which I've known for several years. I don't have a boyfriend here and being married for seven years will get you used to always having someone around to cuddle with and love. I hate being alone and that's the hardest part of being here. I always feel some saddness and I hate that. People at work even said that I seem sad....and that is SAD!! <br>
I thought I was a happy person until I moved here. Now I wonder if I'm just an unhappy person. My wish when I see a star is always the same "I wish for hapiness in all areas of my life". Lately that feels impossible. Maybe I am an unhappy person and that's who I am. I made the same wish when I blew out my birthday candles but I don't think that's the answer.<br>
I need to figure out what makes me happy. That is the biggest challenge I face. How the hell do I figure that out??</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0Woodside, Queens40.751213 -73.90365tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-24574997333457272532012-02-05T11:36:00.001-08:002012-02-06T09:04:46.629-08:00Moving right along!<div><p>Yesterday was officially four months that I've been living in NY. I went home last weekend and fell into a bad case of homesickness when I got back here. I was terribly depressed for a week and now I'm back to normal. It's amazing how adaptable we humans are.<br>
While back home, I spent time with a guy who started as a friend but a relationship has developed between us since I moved. The time I spent with him last weekend was great. I had a lot of concerns that maybe we had gotten too used to texting and wouldn't jive too well in person but that wasn't the case at all. It really seems like we have developed a real relationship..even though I got introduced as a friend...that stung a little bit. He is moving to NY and the plan as of right now, this second, today, is for us to get an apartment together. My roommate knows and she's been super supportive. The thought of moving again is absolutely daunting but the thought of living with this guy and seeing where this relationship could go is exciting enough for me to suck it up and move again.<br>
Its been difficult being single in this city. The guys here seem to be more agressive and seem to want to move quicker to get into some sort of relationship. I've had two guys stick their tongue in my mouth unexpectedly which caused me to stumble home drunk literally spitting in disgust. I can't say that ever happened in Tampa!<br>
I'm finally cooking in a restaurant that I really like. I'm still broke and always feeling that I'm one bill away from bouncing a check. The dilemma is that the more people I meet and the more friends I make, the more I go out and spend money. It's a vicious, stressful, social, fun cycle. I know that it will all change. One day, I'll be making more money. One day, I won't even be living in NY anymore! I'm trying my best to live in the moment and enjoy life as it comes. </p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-9323116298365215612012-01-07T16:09:00.001-08:002012-01-07T16:12:15.304-08:00New Year's Resolutions<div><p>One of my eighteen New Year's resolutions is to blog more often, so here is the start of blogging more often! 2012 resolutions:<br>
1. Do at least two things from the "101 Things To Do Before You Die" book that I bought last month. Some of the possibilities are - Meet someone with my name, Graffiti (I'm in a good city for this one!), Meet an idol (Anthony Bourdain or Fiona Apple), Confess in a confessional booth at church (gotta think of something narley that I done..or graffiti would work too!).<br>
2. Sleep naked more often - I'm fulfilling this one already!<br>
3. Take a trip to visit a friend in another city.<br>
4. Learn to be more upfront with guys that are interested in me and I'm not interested in them - did this yesterday. Do I really have to tell a guy that 22 is too young for 30 year old me? Yes. Yes I did.<br>
5. Blog more often.<br>
6. Take more pictures.<br>
7. Eat dim sum at two different restaurants. I've always wanted to eat dim sum but never have.<br>
8. Get another tattoo.<br>
9. Call my family more often.<br>
10. Eat at restaurants that are on my list of places to eat in New York.<br>
11. Bug friends to visit me in New York.<br>
12. Put time aside to do things I like.<br>
13. Make more money.<br>
14. Explore New York like a tourist.<br>
15. Spend New Years 2012 - 2013 in Brazil with my dad.<br>
16. Create a scrapbook filled with only the weird things that happen to me in New York.<br>
17. Improve my drunk texting.<br>
18. Enter a food eating competition.<br>
I posted on Facebook that finding 20 resolutions was damn tough and a friend posted that 20 is too many. I should pick five or six realistic goals and accomplish those. I don't think she realized that some of my goals are to get a tattoo and improve my drunk texting!<br>
Here's to 2012!!</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-71197745223359315502011-12-22T17:12:00.001-08:002011-12-24T16:12:33.382-08:00I quit!<div><p>I quit my job this week. Well, it was my externship, but it was paid, so it might as well have been a job. They were working me about 70 hours a week and I wasn't getting treated that great for a majority of those hours. The chef de cuisine was good; brutally honest but fair. Not everyone was like that there. I decided I came all the way to New York...not to endure that! I've applied to mainly cook positions but have also applied to a few management and sever positions. I figure <br>
I'm well-rounded and could do a good job in a few different positions. As long as I'm working in a restaurant I'm happy!<br>
Life in New York is good. I'm learning to shut up in public and to be more introspective. Good stuff. This is a great city and I'm embracing it. I'm happy here. </p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-16604611882763397862011-11-15T13:33:00.001-08:002011-11-15T13:33:01.432-08:00Be Brave; Be Strong!<div><p>Today is the first opportunity that I've gotten to actually walk around New York City. It has been eleven days since I moved here. Today is very overcast and unfortunately, I'm one of those people that are highly affected by the weather, my surroundings and music. <br>
I'm not religious but I stepped into a beautiful church today and sat for a little while. I prayed for courage, confidence, security in the decisions that I've made and to maintain a positive attitude. Its easy to feel down when you're wandering in such a populated city by yourself. My bank account resembles the one of my college days. I see Christmas lights going up around the city and I can't help thinking that I'll be by myself these holidays. <br>
These are the decisions that I've made and I have to believe in them as much as my family and friends do. So many people are so happy for me and are rooting for my success here. They are giving me more strength than they'll ever know and if I make it here its because of them.</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-79313941616725525582011-11-10T05:18:00.001-08:002011-11-10T05:25:08.483-08:00No ipod; thanks!<div><p>It has been seven days since my move to New York. Its such a big city with so many people and yet no one talks to eachother. The subways are full in the morning but everyone keeps to themselves by listening to their ipod or sleeping. In Florida, we drive in our cars by ourselves and get into accidents because we are texting friends. At the restaurant, everyone quietly does their prep work, again keeping to themselves. I'm in the loudest city but no one talks! All communication is done through car horns. <br>
Friends tell me to get an ipod for the subway rides but I think I've decided to refuse. I think I will try to get people talking. I'm not sure how well this will work and if anyone has every tried this before. I need to take advantage of the fact that I am still starry-eyed and amazed with this city. This is the time to make conscious positive decisions and to not mimic all of the rest of the hardened tired faces that surround me in this city.</p>
</div>Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58473987787882637.post-2025899024866165002011-10-17T10:34:00.000-07:002011-10-17T10:34:58.868-07:00New Beginnings and New EndingsI just got back from New York and while there I got a ride in a limo, met my new roommate, saw a comedy show, sang karaoke, made a few new friends (it's official, we're Facebook friends) and drank too much. I'd say it was a successful trip! In my one day of visiting, I never set foot in Manhattan and I was completely ok with that. Astoria is going to be my new home and I had a great time exploring it during the day and night. I saw Irish pubs with men standing out front just like the ones you see in the movies; sweat pants on, t-shirt and a look on their faces that dares you to fuck with them. I heard conversations with New York accents so thick it didn't sound like they were speaking English. We wandered past Brazilian stores, Arabic hookah bars (men only) and then Steinway St which has a Taco Bell, KFC, Starbucks, Express and New York & Co. What a mix! This is what I love about New York.<br />
<br />
Now I am back in Brandon for three weeks and with that the stress and reality of it all is in full force. I'm trying hard to not form new friendships and relationships. I'm trying to get my feelings under control in a relationship that will never be; trying to not encourage someone's feelings for me because that too is a relationship that will never be. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I have no clue as to when the next time I'll be back to visit my family is. I've adopted the habit of secretly saying goodbye to everyone every time I look at their faces and when I drive through town, I try to take it all in as an attempt to store everything as a memory in some corner of my brain. I hear the clock ticking...3 weeks....2 weeks....1 week...<br />
<br />
I'm in such a strange place right now. Half of me is shaking with excitement about my new job, exploring the city and the new friends I'm going to make. The other half of me is sad to leave the people here, to not be able to pursue things here because I'm leaving. I'm physically living in Brandon, FL but I can't really live life here because it's going to end.....3 weeks....tick-tock.Reis Mangahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288457350707271041noreply@blogger.com0