Alright so I decided about 20 minutes ago to start a blog and here I am! The power of the internet. Hello 2011.
I've decided to begin blogging to hopefully preserve any remaining sanity that I have left in my head. I've kept journals (rather call it that than a diary) twice in my life. Once when I was in elementary school, which I think my mom still has and once when I took a trip to Brazil, which I threw away when I returned because the thought of someone reading it one day horrified me.
I turned 30 this past February and didn't know that something was brewing in my brain that would completely change the path of my life. A picture of me right before turning 30: someone who was married for almost 7 years, planning a trip to Brazil and in a job that I liked but didn't feel like I could do long term and be happy with life. THEN...I turned 30, put my two weeks in at work, went on my trip, enrolled in culinary school and got a job cooking in one of my favorite restaurants.
My life became consumed by school and work, work and school. I have a lot of energy and the harder I work, the more I want to hang out with friends. Work hard, play harder. This is all fine except I'm married and time with my husband became harder to find. The thoughts began creeping into my mind, what if I lived alone? What if I was single? What if I had my own place? A thought was born and it began to consume my mind; just like when I decided to quit my job and go to culinary school.
This week is our 7 year wedding anniversary and we've been talking about the reality of getting divorced for about 2 months now. We don't have kids and are foreclosing on our condo. So now, here I am. He doesn't want to divorce but I feel like I've thought about closing this chapter and starting a new one by myself and don't know if I can ignore that. The guilt that I feel about hurting him is almost enough to erase the life I've imagined alone but I don't think its enough to erase it.
This is my life right now.
