I am human

I'm generally a happy person, so I guess feelings of unhappiness are normal. My last blog was about me feeling very blah and missing my family and friends. For the record, I don't think that I'm an unhappy person, just get those feelinhs sometimes...so I am like everyone else in that regard!
When I was on the train today I was looking around at everyone (no ipod still!!) and I was thinking about the basic traits we all have that make us similar. I saw faces that looked exhausted, faces that were enjoying the music they were listenting to, faced that reflected thoughts of a far away place...all faces that I've had. Its nice to be around people and to see the similarities. We've all had happiness and have endured struggles and I see people everyday that remind me that we're all the same. Compassion is what I feel for the strangers that I see everyday because I know many have had the same emotions I've had.
I've done the same thing my family did over thirty years ago; move somewhere far away in search of a better future. My family moved from Brazil to a country where they didn't even speak the language, so how hard can this be for me? This is nothing compared to what they experienced. Sacrificing and chasing a better future runs in my family and here I am in New York continuing the chase!

Happiness

Two days ago was my bday...31 now. One year after my "awakening". I think about where I was in my life one year ago. Married, feeling like my life was written out for me being married and working in marketing. I thought about the possibility of not being married and following my dreams of cooking professionally. So here I am, one year later, divorced and employed as a cook in NYC.
Am I happier, yes...in some ways. Life is unpredictable, which is what I wanted but I'm surrounded by people that I've known for a few months. I miss my Tampa friends which I've known for several years. I don't have a boyfriend here and being married for seven years will get you used to always having someone around to cuddle with and love. I hate being alone and that's the hardest part of being here. I always feel some saddness and I hate that. People at work even said that I seem sad....and that is SAD!!
I thought I was a happy person until I moved here. Now I wonder if I'm just an unhappy person. My wish when I see a star is always the same "I wish for hapiness in all areas of my life". Lately that feels impossible. Maybe I am an unhappy person and that's who I am. I made the same wish when I blew out my birthday candles but I don't think that's the answer.
I need to figure out what makes me happy. That is the biggest challenge I face. How the hell do I figure that out??

Moving right along!

Yesterday was officially four months that I've been living in NY. I went home last weekend and fell into a bad case of homesickness when I got back here. I was terribly depressed for a week and now I'm back to normal. It's amazing how adaptable we humans are.
While back home, I spent time with a guy who started as a friend but a relationship has developed between us since I moved. The time I spent with him last weekend was great. I had a lot of concerns that maybe we had gotten too used to texting and wouldn't jive too well in person but that wasn't the case at all. It really seems like we have developed a real relationship..even though I got introduced as a friend...that stung a little bit. He is moving to NY and the plan as of right now, this second, today, is for us to get an apartment together. My roommate knows and she's been super supportive. The thought of moving again is absolutely daunting but the thought of living with this guy and seeing where this relationship could go is exciting enough for me to suck it up and move again.
Its been difficult being single in this city. The guys here seem to be more agressive and seem to want to move quicker to get into some sort of relationship. I've had two guys stick their tongue in my mouth unexpectedly which caused me to stumble home drunk literally spitting in disgust. I can't say that ever happened in Tampa!
I'm finally cooking in a restaurant that I really like. I'm still broke and always feeling that I'm one bill away from bouncing a check. The dilemma is that the more people I meet and the more friends I make, the more I go out and spend money. It's a vicious, stressful, social, fun cycle. I know that it will all change. One day, I'll be making more money. One day, I won't even be living in NY anymore! I'm trying my best to live in the moment and enjoy life as it comes.