Happy 4th of July....8 months in NY

8 months in NY and things are looking up! I found a little apartment today in the Bronx. Its far North in the Bronx but I don't think its too far from where I work. It's a commute from Astoria, where my friends are and my boyfriend is but at least I have my own place. I move at the end of July in a couple of weeks. Its a small apartment that has a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom. Its located on the second floor of a house. I like the area; I thought it looked like Astoria which I thought was funny. I'm excited to have my own place. Its still not ideal but I'm slowly getting closer to how I want to live in this great city.

One if my main thoughts that helped lead me to getting a divorce was the fantasy of having my own place, which I've never had. I went from having roommates in my early twenties to being married at 23 and living together for eight years. So, eight months of living in NY and I'm achieving an enormous goal that I secretly set for myself last year. I think that's pretty damn good!

My relationship with my boyfriend is nicely progressing. The more time we spend together the better it gets. I think we'll figure out the distance issue with me moving to the Bronx, but I guess time will tell. I'm trying to go with the flow and take things as they happen instead of worrying too much.

Happy independence day to the USA and also to me!

The changes continue

So, I'm approaching eight months in NY and am facing my third move since I've been here! I've been at my current apartment for three weeks. The second week I was here, the landlord told me that my current roommate hasn't paid rent in a while and that I'm not allowed to be living here. She had a boyfriend living with her at this apartment, so I'm not sure why I'm not allowed to live here. I'm searching for a studio apartment but affordable places do not include the Astoria area. I've made a lot of friends in Astoria and have a boyfriend that lives near here but realistically I can't afford an apartment in this area.</p>
<p>I've got a second job cooking in the Hamptons for the summer. Its helped my income a lot and I'm having a great time out there. While I'm working there I'm staying in an apartment above the restaurant. Imagine six cooks and a bartender living together. Its more fun than we should be allowed to have. In the morning we stumble downstairs and go to work. After our shifts and after a lot of drinking, we find ourselves back in the restaurant kitchen in pajamas at 4am cooking burgers for ourselves. The joke is that the place is like summer camp for us cooks. I hope to be a part of it through September. </p>
<p>In the meantime, I'm trying to stay positive and not worry so much about everything. I hate not having a solid place to live and of course money is still a concern. I even worry about the guy I'm dating and if we're compatible enough. I need to learn to let go of the stresses and enjoy life for what it is. </p>
<p>I'm tempted to find a really cool job that combines my culinary and marketing experience. Something unique to NY. I moved to this city for opportunity, not to be just a line cook like I was in Tampa. I feel like my current job is a stepping stone. I'm getting closer to what I ultimately want to do. I love food but I miss the interaction with people.

My journey is in full swing here in NY. Sometimes I have to dig really deep to find the courage to keep going and not let the stress get to me. It's a weekly battle but I think I'm winning.

Seven months

Six days ago I hit the seven month mark of living in NY! In some ways it went by quickly; in other ways it feels like I've been in NY for a long time.

I've learned a lot in the past seven months. The first time being away from my hometown, my family and all of my friends changed me a bit. I'm currently in Florida visiting my family and my mom said I seem a lot quieter than I used to be. I have a friend that said I seem stronger. I think all of my subway rides amongst strangers that don't talk to one another taught me to keep to myself more. Also living with someone I had never met before and working 80 hours per week my first two months taught me to keep to myslef more. Being stuck with my thoughts and being completly exauhausted probably made me stronger too. I never depended much on my family and friends but being alone in a city like NY does something to you.

Seeing all the families on vacation and the lovers holding hands made me a little bitter and hardend me a bit and I think I carried that along with me. Not that its a bad thing but it did change me. I also got a hard time at my first restaurant where I worked for being from Tampa, so that was another little layer that got built within me.

In all honesty, I do feel very different. Being here in FL makes it more apparent to me. I feel a little out of place because I've been gone from everyone's daily lives. I feel like my life is very separate and far away from theirs. That makes me sad but I guess that's what happens when you move far away.

I keep asking myself why I moved. I moved for the reasons that most people move, for a better opportunity and advancement in my career, to change my life, to embark on a new adventure, to prove to myself that I can really acccomplish anything I want. I want to keep reminding myself the whole point of all of this. I'm happy but still not 100% happy. I'm not sure if anyone is and if this is an attainable goal. I wonder if there's something missing in my life. Would being a mom make me entirely happy? I'm 31, this is a realistic thought in my head. Is a career rewarding enough to provide that happiness that I'm looking for? These are the questions that I ask myself weekly as I watch the weeks roll by on the calendar.

Do I think about life too much?

30 Days to Find a Roommate and an Apartment. Ready, Set, Go!!

So I've been seeing someone for about a month and we've been officially dating for a couple of weeks. Things have been going good with him. Work is great. I've met a lot of cool people and have had a blast at various bars in Astoria. While everything has been going great, my life with my roommate has steadily gone down hilll.
She started giving me problems after my bf stayed the night on the weekend. She said having someone over stressed her out. My sister came to visit a couple of weeks ago and my roommate told me that stressed her out too. Since my bf can't come over, we hung out on the roof. She said I can't hang out on the roof anymore because someone might fall off and sue she and the landlord. She complained that I get home too late. I am a 31 year old woman paying half of the rent.....right??? So, swf sent me an email this morning telling me our living arrangement isn't working and that I have 30 days to move out. I really wanted to email her back telling her what a disgusting and inconsiderate roommate she has been. She doesn't always flush the toilet after taking a shit, leaves dirty underwear on the ground, tells me digusting things about her period every month, has clothes all over the apartment and wakes me up by talking to herself.
I've got 30 days to find a roommate and an apartment if I want to stay in Astoria or get a cheap place by myself in Brooklyn, the Bronx or Harlem.
I've been wanting to move out but hadn't really pursued it. Now I've gotten the kick in the ass that I needed. This is streassful but it's a good thing. 30 days.....

Six month anniversary

Today is April 4. I've been living in NY for 6 months now. I can honestly say that I am happy here and feel like I'm making a life for myself. I love the restaurant that I'm cooking in, have become close to my roommate, the apartment we share feels like home, I've made lots of friends, met a guy I like and I've seen a lot of the city. I'm happy here and wouldn't change a thing. The future is looking bright.

I've found it!

I've found it! I've found myself! Five months of living here and I'm happy now. It was a tough five months. Part of me was still in Tampa because I had the assanine idea to get involved with someone before I left. We gave it our best efforts, texting, messaging, sending naughty pics, talking about his plans of moving to NY but in the end, it didn't work out. I realized that I was so consumed on our future plans I wasn't living and enjoying the present. My thoughts were always on him and wondering when I would hear from him again. I think we both put in a lot of effort and we both exausted ourselves too. Now it feels like life is going 100%.
I've made lots of new friends, am hanging out with a guy that I'm wildly attracted too and life is finally moving forward....because I'm living in the present.

Five months

Today, March 4th, marks five montns that I've been living in NY. I think as long as I'm in this city, the 4th of every month will have some meaning for me....at least for a while!
I've hung out some really cool guys here in the past couple of weeks. Some of which I would seriously consider dating. I've decided not to move out of my current apartment that I share with my roommate.
I had a realization that for me to truly embrace my life here, I had to let go of some people in FL;specifically the guy that I really liked that is still living in FL and has plans to move up here one day. It hurts a bit to think about him but I'm trying to let all of that go and live in the present, which is here in the big city.

I'm currently trying to decide how long I want to be a line cook. I remember the first few weeks of clocking in at work when the computer verified my "job assignment" as line cook, the sense of pride, accomplishment and pride I felt. Now, it's gotten a little stale. I miss the interaction with people. Being a line cook consists of coming into work, doing a ton of prep, cooking all night while getting criticized by the chef and then cleaning up. Go home, do it all over again the next day. I'm questioning if I can really do this long term. I want to find a job that combines cooking with a more laid back atmosphere. Maybe something that combines customer interaction. I've looked at working on some food trucks. I think that would be fun! I don't know. I'm still trying to find a good fit but I do feel that I'm closer to finding that than I have ever been before in my life.

I am human

I'm generally a happy person, so I guess feelings of unhappiness are normal. My last blog was about me feeling very blah and missing my family and friends. For the record, I don't think that I'm an unhappy person, just get those feelinhs sometimes...so I am like everyone else in that regard!
When I was on the train today I was looking around at everyone (no ipod still!!) and I was thinking about the basic traits we all have that make us similar. I saw faces that looked exhausted, faces that were enjoying the music they were listenting to, faced that reflected thoughts of a far away place...all faces that I've had. Its nice to be around people and to see the similarities. We've all had happiness and have endured struggles and I see people everyday that remind me that we're all the same. Compassion is what I feel for the strangers that I see everyday because I know many have had the same emotions I've had.
I've done the same thing my family did over thirty years ago; move somewhere far away in search of a better future. My family moved from Brazil to a country where they didn't even speak the language, so how hard can this be for me? This is nothing compared to what they experienced. Sacrificing and chasing a better future runs in my family and here I am in New York continuing the chase!

Happiness

Two days ago was my bday...31 now. One year after my "awakening". I think about where I was in my life one year ago. Married, feeling like my life was written out for me being married and working in marketing. I thought about the possibility of not being married and following my dreams of cooking professionally. So here I am, one year later, divorced and employed as a cook in NYC.
Am I happier, yes...in some ways. Life is unpredictable, which is what I wanted but I'm surrounded by people that I've known for a few months. I miss my Tampa friends which I've known for several years. I don't have a boyfriend here and being married for seven years will get you used to always having someone around to cuddle with and love. I hate being alone and that's the hardest part of being here. I always feel some saddness and I hate that. People at work even said that I seem sad....and that is SAD!!
I thought I was a happy person until I moved here. Now I wonder if I'm just an unhappy person. My wish when I see a star is always the same "I wish for hapiness in all areas of my life". Lately that feels impossible. Maybe I am an unhappy person and that's who I am. I made the same wish when I blew out my birthday candles but I don't think that's the answer.
I need to figure out what makes me happy. That is the biggest challenge I face. How the hell do I figure that out??

Moving right along!

Yesterday was officially four months that I've been living in NY. I went home last weekend and fell into a bad case of homesickness when I got back here. I was terribly depressed for a week and now I'm back to normal. It's amazing how adaptable we humans are.
While back home, I spent time with a guy who started as a friend but a relationship has developed between us since I moved. The time I spent with him last weekend was great. I had a lot of concerns that maybe we had gotten too used to texting and wouldn't jive too well in person but that wasn't the case at all. It really seems like we have developed a real relationship..even though I got introduced as a friend...that stung a little bit. He is moving to NY and the plan as of right now, this second, today, is for us to get an apartment together. My roommate knows and she's been super supportive. The thought of moving again is absolutely daunting but the thought of living with this guy and seeing where this relationship could go is exciting enough for me to suck it up and move again.
Its been difficult being single in this city. The guys here seem to be more agressive and seem to want to move quicker to get into some sort of relationship. I've had two guys stick their tongue in my mouth unexpectedly which caused me to stumble home drunk literally spitting in disgust. I can't say that ever happened in Tampa!
I'm finally cooking in a restaurant that I really like. I'm still broke and always feeling that I'm one bill away from bouncing a check. The dilemma is that the more people I meet and the more friends I make, the more I go out and spend money. It's a vicious, stressful, social, fun cycle. I know that it will all change. One day, I'll be making more money. One day, I won't even be living in NY anymore! I'm trying my best to live in the moment and enjoy life as it comes.

New Year's Resolutions

One of my eighteen New Year's resolutions is to blog more often, so here is the start of blogging more often! 2012 resolutions:
1. Do at least two things from the "101 Things To Do Before You Die" book that I bought last month. Some of the possibilities are - Meet someone with my name, Graffiti (I'm in a good city for this one!), Meet an idol (Anthony Bourdain or Fiona Apple), Confess in a confessional booth at church (gotta think of something narley that I done..or graffiti would work too!).
2. Sleep naked more often - I'm fulfilling this one already!
3. Take a trip to visit a friend in another city.
4. Learn to be more upfront with guys that are interested in me and I'm not interested in them - did this yesterday. Do I really have to tell a guy that 22 is too young for 30 year old me? Yes. Yes I did.
5. Blog more often.
6. Take more pictures.
7. Eat dim sum at two different restaurants. I've always wanted to eat dim sum but never have.
8. Get another tattoo.
9. Call my family more often.
10. Eat at restaurants that are on my list of places to eat in New York.
11. Bug friends to visit me in New York.
12. Put time aside to do things I like.
13. Make more money.
14. Explore New York like a tourist.
15. Spend New Years 2012 - 2013 in Brazil with my dad.
16. Create a scrapbook filled with only the weird things that happen to me in New York.
17. Improve my drunk texting.
18. Enter a food eating competition.
I posted on Facebook that finding 20 resolutions was damn tough and a friend posted that 20 is too many. I should pick five or six realistic goals and accomplish those. I don't think she realized that some of my goals are to get a tattoo and improve my drunk texting!
Here's to 2012!!