I quit!

I quit my job this week. Well, it was my externship, but it was paid, so it might as well have been a job. They were working me about 70 hours a week and I wasn't getting treated that great for a majority of those hours. The chef de cuisine was good; brutally honest but fair. Not everyone was like that there. I decided I came all the way to New York...not to endure that! I've applied to mainly cook positions but have also applied to a few management and sever positions. I figure
I'm well-rounded and could do a good job in a few different positions. As long as I'm working in a restaurant I'm happy!
Life in New York is good. I'm learning to shut up in public and to be more introspective. Good stuff. This is a great city and I'm embracing it. I'm happy here.

Be Brave; Be Strong!

Today is the first opportunity that I've gotten to actually walk around New York City. It has been eleven days since I moved here. Today is very overcast and unfortunately, I'm one of those people that are highly affected by the weather, my surroundings and music.
I'm not religious but I stepped into a beautiful church today and sat for a little while. I prayed for courage, confidence, security in the decisions that I've made and to maintain a positive attitude. Its easy to feel down when you're wandering in such a populated city by yourself. My bank account resembles the one of my college days. I see Christmas lights going up around the city and I can't help thinking that I'll be by myself these holidays.
These are the decisions that I've made and I have to believe in them as much as my family and friends do. So many people are so happy for me and are rooting for my success here. They are giving me more strength than they'll ever know and if I make it here its because of them.

No ipod; thanks!

It has been seven days since my move to New York. Its such a big city with so many people and yet no one talks to eachother. The subways are full in the morning but everyone keeps to themselves by listening to their ipod or sleeping. In Florida, we drive in our cars by ourselves and get into accidents because we are texting friends. At the restaurant, everyone quietly does their prep work, again keeping to themselves. I'm in the loudest city but no one talks! All communication is done through car horns.
Friends tell me to get an ipod for the subway rides but I think I've decided to refuse. I think I will try to get people talking. I'm not sure how well this will work and if anyone has every tried this before. I need to take advantage of the fact that I am still starry-eyed and amazed with this city. This is the time to make conscious positive decisions and to not mimic all of the rest of the hardened tired faces that surround me in this city.

New Beginnings and New Endings

I just got back from New York and while there I got a ride in a limo, met my new roommate, saw a comedy show, sang karaoke, made a few new friends (it's official, we're Facebook friends) and drank too much. I'd say it was a successful trip! In my one day of visiting, I never set foot in Manhattan and I was completely ok with that. Astoria is going to be my new home and I had a great time exploring it during the day and night. I saw Irish pubs with men standing out front just like the ones you see in the movies; sweat pants on, t-shirt and a look on their faces that dares you to fuck with them. I heard conversations with New York accents so thick it didn't sound like they were speaking English. We wandered past Brazilian stores, Arabic hookah bars (men only) and then Steinway St which has a Taco Bell, KFC, Starbucks, Express and New York & Co. What a mix! This is what I love about New York.

Now I am back in Brandon for three weeks and with that the stress and reality of it all is in full force. I'm trying hard to not form new friendships and relationships. I'm trying to get my feelings under control in a relationship that will never be; trying to not encourage someone's feelings for me because that too is a relationship that will never be. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I have no clue as to when the next time I'll be back to visit my family is. I've adopted the habit of secretly saying goodbye to everyone every time I look at their faces and when I drive through town, I try to take it all in as an attempt to store everything as a memory in some corner of my brain. I hear the clock ticking...3 weeks....2 weeks....1 week...

I'm in such a strange place right now. Half of me is shaking with excitement about my new job, exploring the city and the new friends I'm going to make. The other half of me is sad to leave the people here, to not be able to pursue things here because I'm leaving. I'm physically living in Brandon, FL but I can't really live life here because it's going to end.....3 weeks....tick-tock.

A month of progress

It's amazing how much life can change in one month if you put your mind and energy into changing it. A month ago I joined Blogger out of desperation to share what I was going through, it helped to see my thoughts and emotions written down.

Last month I was living with my husband, who I wanted to divorce, sleeping on a king size bed that still didn't feel large enough for the two of us to have our space. Now a month later, I'm living with my sister, my two adorable nieces and my sister's roommate. I spent the first week sleeping on the couch the first half of the night and then moving to the older niece's bedroom when she left for school at 6am. Now I'm sleeping in my younger niece's room. It's funny to be in a kid's room with stuffed animals and to cover myself with her Beauty and the Beast blanket. Reminds me of a time when life was a little less complicated.

I've landed the opportunity I've been dreaming of, an internship at a restaurant in New York. Yes, the big city. Finally!! These are the changes that I thought were never possible. I feel that life is an adventure again. I had been missing the unpredictably of it. Being married made me feel that my entire life was already written at that point. I could fast forward 5,10,15 years and know that I'd be with that same person and have the same dynamic of that relationship. For most this would be comforting; for me this was a prison sentence.

I've served my time and have been pardoned. New York, here I come. 

My First Post

Alright so I decided about 20 minutes ago to start a blog and here I am! The power of the internet. Hello 2011.
I've decided to begin blogging to hopefully preserve any remaining sanity that I have left in my head. I've kept journals (rather call it that than a diary) twice in my life. Once when I was in elementary school, which I think my mom still has and once when I took a trip to Brazil, which I threw away when I returned because the thought of someone reading it one day horrified me.

I turned 30 this past February and didn't know that something was brewing in my brain that would completely change the path of my life. A picture of me right before turning 30: someone who was married for almost 7 years, planning a trip to Brazil and in a job that I liked but didn't feel like I could do long term and be happy with life. THEN...I turned 30, put my two weeks in at work, went on my trip, enrolled in culinary school and got a job cooking in one of my favorite restaurants. 

My life became consumed by school and work, work and school. I have a lot of energy and the harder I work, the more I want to hang out with friends. Work hard, play harder. This is all fine except I'm married and time with my husband became harder to find. The thoughts began creeping into my mind, what if I lived alone? What if I was single? What if I had my own place? A thought was born and it began to consume my mind; just like when I decided to quit my job and go to culinary school.

This week is our 7 year wedding anniversary and we've been talking about the reality of getting divorced for about 2 months now. We don't have kids and are foreclosing on our condo. So now, here I am. He doesn't want to divorce but I feel like I've thought about closing this chapter and starting a new one by myself and don't know if I can ignore that. The guilt that I feel about hurting him is almost enough to erase the life I've imagined alone but I don't think its enough to erase it.

This is my life right now.