On the Precipice of Change

I'm so close to moving out of California. Two weeks to be exact. I've been out of my friend's house for a week today due to the landlord freaking out about my dog being a pitt mix. So unfair. Much like the first time I left my ex, time has only proven to make my emotions more raw and painful but this time it feels different. This time, when I cry, it's not from yearning for us to get back together. This time when I cry it stems from the feelings of rejection and failure. I honestly didn't think he would've ever asked me for a divorce....didn't really "ask" me but yelled it into my face that night and then wrote a letter asking for one as well. As bad as some of the times were in the relationship, I didn't ever think that we'd be getting a divorce. My mom told me the other day that she thinks he already has a girlfriend from a picture she saw on Instagram that someone took of him. That hurt. That fucked me up and has for the past two days. Our divorce isn't even official until at least July 20th and he already has a girlfriend. I can say that I'm feeling depressed. I've been crying a lot and the crazy thing is, that I'm messaging and texting friends one thing while I'm sobbing at the same time and nobody knows it. I feel like no one really knows how I feel and of course that's my fault because I haven't voiced those feelings. I feel an immense sense of loss. I feel an overwhelming feeling of failure and hopelessness. I'm making plans for the future while thinking of how pointless and irrelevant life is. My problems are a drop in the ocean compared to all of these people on the planet. Life feels like a big joke where the punchline isn't even funny. Yeah, I feel like shit right now and I'm worried because I'm living by myself for the first time in many years. Can I trust myself to find the motivation to keep going? I'm currently in a dark place, no doubt, and the true test will be pulling myself out of this. I'm trying not to be too self-centered because I know a lot of people have dealt with painful divorces and this is probably nothing compared to some of the other stories out there. I feel like even though people know some of the things that I've experienced, they act like I should act like everything is 100% ok. When everything happened, I had hundreds of friends reach out to me. Now, everyone I interact with acts like I should just be perfectly fine and so excited about my move. They forget why I'm moving. I moved to California with a husband and a job and I lost both of those things in December. I'm leaving empty-handed with the very things I moved here with gone forever and no one thinks of that. They act like I'm on some adventerous journey treking to Florida when in reality I'm going back to Florida with my tail between my legs and a broken heart. It's funny when eveyone thinks of you as the happy cheerful person because once you're put into that box, they can't accept you being anyother way. It's like I was type-casted for a role in life that disables me from sharing my dark times with people. I'm left to absorb the dark times by myself and hopefully not do or say anything too regretable. A lot of times I'm disgusted with my current situation and my life in general. I'm embarrassed that I have to start all over again at 40. I'm embarrassed to be facing my second divorce. I'm trapped in my emotions and the only one that can save me at this point is myself. I have to get out of my own head. I have to think about all of the bad things that I endured in the relationship and use that as a source of strength to pull myself out of this depression. Very much like I always said about hiking, it was "me against me" to climb those mountains and this is very much the same situation. It's me against myself right now and it's a tough battle. Both opponents equally matched and knowing the weakness of the other...in this case, myself, just destroying myself everyday. This should be a high point. Finally having time by myself to really face my shit and deal with it. I'm facing it head-on because when I'm done dealing with this, I want to truly be finished with it; no lingering emotions and pain. I will be free of this one day. Today just isn't that day.