Shawshank Redemption

Yesterday was the first time that I felt depressed about my situation. We've had storms here for the past 30 hours and those storms brought in some sad and hopeless feelings in myself. It was one of those days where I had the strong desire to go to bed at noon and be done with the day but of course, that's not realistic, especially when living with other people. I went through the motions, looked for jobs online, updated my LinkedIn info, made dinner for us three, played video games and then laid awake until about 1am. I had a lot of nightmares last night. It was one of those mornings that when I checked the clock at 7am, I was happy to get up and be done with sleeping. My dreams were of him, and of us getting back together. I kept thinking that it wasn't right, that my family was going to be so pissed at me for getting back together with him. But it wasn't all rosey, it was stressful and argumentative and filled with fear and dread; much like the end of the relationship was. When I first spoke to the paralegal, the night after everything happened, she mentioned that I sounded oddly ok and that I was probably still in shock. I keep hearing her words repeating in my head. Was I in shock? Am I about to have the mental bottom fall right out of me? Today is one month since the night that everything happened. One month exactly. Maybe there are different stages that I'll be going through and the depression/sadness is one of those stages. Not that I haven't been sad, but I've been mad more than anything else. I guess I can only hold onto the energy that it takes to be angry for so long. Maybe a month is my max and now I'm drained and saddness is seeping in, filling those spaces where I held so much anger. "You didn't go through all of that for nothing" just read that quote and damn did I need it. It's important to keep in mind that this is all just a little sliver of my hopefully long life and everything I just experienced, I need to learn the lessons, even if it means just finding strength or fighting those feelings of sadness, and not losing perspective. There are a lot of great things waiting for me and even here, where I am now, there are great things happening. I need to enjoy what I have here now because this will also be something I look back on, maybe even as soon as next month. I learned a new card game, reminded myself of how it feels to do everything on my own again, have began to play a video game from the beginning for the first time in many years, where I don't have to pass the controller off to another player. I would depend on him to fight all of the tough battles because I suck at fighting the difficult bad guys and now, when I come across them, it's all on me to fight them and honestly, I can't wait to do it. It's not going to come as easily to me as it did with him, but that's ok. Even if it takes me a month to beat one guy, I'm going to do it and beat the entire game all by myself. So I just found out that divorce in California takes at least 6 months and 1 day after filing for it to be finalized and due to covid, it's probably going to take even longer! OMG, I'm going to be legally married to that asshole for most of 2021. Wow that sucks so bad. At least I know why the lawyer seems to be dragging his feet. It's because of how slow this process is. I thought the March 1st court date was the last one but now it seems as if it's the first one and I have no idea what it's even for, ugh. I'm reading about divorce in California and educating myself because I've been feeling like all I've been doing is waiting for the lawyer to contact me, which he has once with the paralegal to say hello and basically that was it. I'm going to have to Kim Kardashian this and learn about the law myself so that I am not surprised like I was tonight. I guess in a way I feel better knowing that it's just going to take several months so I have the freedom to get my ass to Florida and start looking for a good job. I've been eagerly staring at March 1st on my calendar like it was the day that I was going to be released from prison but really it was just a legal bullshit day and I'm not being released until later this year. Back to my cell I go to pass the time and rearrange my expectations.