I just got back from New York and while there I got a ride in a limo, met my new roommate, saw a comedy show, sang karaoke, made a few new friends (it's official, we're Facebook friends) and drank too much. I'd say it was a successful trip! In my one day of visiting, I never set foot in Manhattan and I was completely ok with that. Astoria is going to be my new home and I had a great time exploring it during the day and night. I saw Irish pubs with men standing out front just like the ones you see in the movies; sweat pants on, t-shirt and a look on their faces that dares you to fuck with them. I heard conversations with New York accents so thick it didn't sound like they were speaking English. We wandered past Brazilian stores, Arabic hookah bars (men only) and then Steinway St which has a Taco Bell, KFC, Starbucks, Express and New York & Co. What a mix! This is what I love about New York.
Now I am back in Brandon for three weeks and with that the stress and reality of it all is in full force. I'm trying hard to not form new friendships and relationships. I'm trying to get my feelings under control in a relationship that will never be; trying to not encourage someone's feelings for me because that too is a relationship that will never be. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I have no clue as to when the next time I'll be back to visit my family is. I've adopted the habit of secretly saying goodbye to everyone every time I look at their faces and when I drive through town, I try to take it all in as an attempt to store everything as a memory in some corner of my brain. I hear the clock ticking...3 weeks....2 weeks....1 week...
I'm in such a strange place right now. Half of me is shaking with excitement about my new job, exploring the city and the new friends I'm going to make. The other half of me is sad to leave the people here, to not be able to pursue things here because I'm leaving. I'm physically living in Brandon, FL but I can't really live life here because it's going to end.....3 weeks....tick-tock.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
A month of progress
It's amazing how much life can change in one month if you put your mind and energy into changing it. A month ago I joined Blogger out of desperation to share what I was going through, it helped to see my thoughts and emotions written down.
Last month I was living with my husband, who I wanted to divorce, sleeping on a king size bed that still didn't feel large enough for the two of us to have our space. Now a month later, I'm living with my sister, my two adorable nieces and my sister's roommate. I spent the first week sleeping on the couch the first half of the night and then moving to the older niece's bedroom when she left for school at 6am. Now I'm sleeping in my younger niece's room. It's funny to be in a kid's room with stuffed animals and to cover myself with her Beauty and the Beast blanket. Reminds me of a time when life was a little less complicated.
I've landed the opportunity I've been dreaming of, an internship at a restaurant in New York. Yes, the big city. Finally!! These are the changes that I thought were never possible. I feel that life is an adventure again. I had been missing the unpredictably of it. Being married made me feel that my entire life was already written at that point. I could fast forward 5,10,15 years and know that I'd be with that same person and have the same dynamic of that relationship. For most this would be comforting; for me this was a prison sentence.
I've served my time and have been pardoned. New York, here I come.
Last month I was living with my husband, who I wanted to divorce, sleeping on a king size bed that still didn't feel large enough for the two of us to have our space. Now a month later, I'm living with my sister, my two adorable nieces and my sister's roommate. I spent the first week sleeping on the couch the first half of the night and then moving to the older niece's bedroom when she left for school at 6am. Now I'm sleeping in my younger niece's room. It's funny to be in a kid's room with stuffed animals and to cover myself with her Beauty and the Beast blanket. Reminds me of a time when life was a little less complicated.
I've landed the opportunity I've been dreaming of, an internship at a restaurant in New York. Yes, the big city. Finally!! These are the changes that I thought were never possible. I feel that life is an adventure again. I had been missing the unpredictably of it. Being married made me feel that my entire life was already written at that point. I could fast forward 5,10,15 years and know that I'd be with that same person and have the same dynamic of that relationship. For most this would be comforting; for me this was a prison sentence.
I've served my time and have been pardoned. New York, here I come.
Monday, August 8, 2011
My First Post
Alright so I decided about 20 minutes ago to start a blog and here I am! The power of the internet. Hello 2011.
I've decided to begin blogging to hopefully preserve any remaining sanity that I have left in my head. I've kept journals (rather call it that than a diary) twice in my life. Once when I was in elementary school, which I think my mom still has and once when I took a trip to Brazil, which I threw away when I returned because the thought of someone reading it one day horrified me.
I turned 30 this past February and didn't know that something was brewing in my brain that would completely change the path of my life. A picture of me right before turning 30: someone who was married for almost 7 years, planning a trip to Brazil and in a job that I liked but didn't feel like I could do long term and be happy with life. THEN...I turned 30, put my two weeks in at work, went on my trip, enrolled in culinary school and got a job cooking in one of my favorite restaurants.
My life became consumed by school and work, work and school. I have a lot of energy and the harder I work, the more I want to hang out with friends. Work hard, play harder. This is all fine except I'm married and time with my husband became harder to find. The thoughts began creeping into my mind, what if I lived alone? What if I was single? What if I had my own place? A thought was born and it began to consume my mind; just like when I decided to quit my job and go to culinary school.
This week is our 7 year wedding anniversary and we've been talking about the reality of getting divorced for about 2 months now. We don't have kids and are foreclosing on our condo. So now, here I am. He doesn't want to divorce but I feel like I've thought about closing this chapter and starting a new one by myself and don't know if I can ignore that. The guilt that I feel about hurting him is almost enough to erase the life I've imagined alone but I don't think its enough to erase it.
This is my life right now.
I've decided to begin blogging to hopefully preserve any remaining sanity that I have left in my head. I've kept journals (rather call it that than a diary) twice in my life. Once when I was in elementary school, which I think my mom still has and once when I took a trip to Brazil, which I threw away when I returned because the thought of someone reading it one day horrified me.
I turned 30 this past February and didn't know that something was brewing in my brain that would completely change the path of my life. A picture of me right before turning 30: someone who was married for almost 7 years, planning a trip to Brazil and in a job that I liked but didn't feel like I could do long term and be happy with life. THEN...I turned 30, put my two weeks in at work, went on my trip, enrolled in culinary school and got a job cooking in one of my favorite restaurants.
My life became consumed by school and work, work and school. I have a lot of energy and the harder I work, the more I want to hang out with friends. Work hard, play harder. This is all fine except I'm married and time with my husband became harder to find. The thoughts began creeping into my mind, what if I lived alone? What if I was single? What if I had my own place? A thought was born and it began to consume my mind; just like when I decided to quit my job and go to culinary school.
This week is our 7 year wedding anniversary and we've been talking about the reality of getting divorced for about 2 months now. We don't have kids and are foreclosing on our condo. So now, here I am. He doesn't want to divorce but I feel like I've thought about closing this chapter and starting a new one by myself and don't know if I can ignore that. The guilt that I feel about hurting him is almost enough to erase the life I've imagined alone but I don't think its enough to erase it.
This is my life right now.
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