Home for the Crazy Divorcees

I wanted to treat this like a journal. I was never in the habit of keeping a journal, just had a diary when I was a kid and I'm certain that I wrote a lot of embarrassing things. I don't think I'll be too embarrassed here. Everything I write is what I'm feeling and experiencing and if it embarrasses me, then it just means I need to become more comfortable with my truths. For the first time in a long time I'm unemployed and also sort of homeless. I am staying with friends on the generosity of their kindness. They have a marriage that reminds me of my parents. They have a lot of issues and when I'm alone with one of them, I slip into the counselor role as they tell me everything that annoys them about the relationship and major problems. It's a role I easily fall into since it's something that was a big part of my life since the age of 12. My parent's marriage was pretty messed up. My dad would yell when he got angry and my mom would go cry in the bedroom. He then got the habit of yelling at my older sister the same way and she wouldn't yell back either. I would get so pissed. Mad enough to get in his face and yell at him. I took on the role of standing up for my mom and sister, like I was their protector. My mom would write my father long letters at night after she got out a good cry and she'd leave it in the kitchen for him to read in the morning before he left for work and sometimes I would read those letters. Actually, most of the time I would read the letters. He would sometimes write her back and it was fascinating to read those letters and get a glimpse into their relationship on a psychological level. I grew up before I should've grown up. At 12, I was a pro at listening to adult problems and giving logicial advice. I remember a neighbor we had, he had all of the Bob Villa books and he would do woodworking projects in the garage. I remember hanging out in his garage and him venting to me about his wife and their problems. I'd listen and give him the most sage advice a kid ever provided. Looking back, it sounds crazy to me and yet it seemed so normal then. I'm definitely getting flashbacks now that I'm falling back into the marriage counselor role. Hanging out with each of them independently is fun when they're not talking about one another. I can't say I really mind, to me, the fact that they each think about eachother so much while they're apart shows me that they do care. Their relationship has major flaws but neither has completely given up on the other. We have seven marriages in this house between the three of us. It's like living in a halfway house for the insane that somehow believe in marriage but can't figure it out. You'd think between the three of us we'd have some pro tips but there's just a lot of story swapping about the shit that our exes did that was annoying or deal breakers. I've had a lot of good conversations with them since they're 20 years older than me, I've gotten a lot of insight on how they feel about relationships, love, life goals. It's actually been exactly what I need in my life at this moment. Immediately after that night, I was ready to drive cross country to Florida, just watch California disappear into my rearview mirror and I'm so glad I didn't. Well, I actually couldn't because I have so many unsettled things still here. The divorce isn't even finalized and won't be for at least another month. When I do leave, my goal is to have everything settled and nicely buttoned-up so that I can truly start fresh in Florida. I feel ok about everything. I feel sad sometimes when I have thoughts enter my mind about all the happy times and then I feel mad because he threw it all away. Then I just feel numb, because if I think of everything at once, it's too much to handle. I've learned to entertain my thoughts for only a few minutes and then push them away; like if I'm in them for too long, I'll get sucked in and the black hole will find me tumbling down it, landly squarely on Memory Ln and it's not so easy to move out of Memory Ln once you've signed a lease. For now, I've gotta keep moving, barely focusing on one thing for too long for fear of the panic attacks squeezing my chest. I read an article the other night about "How to Deal With Divorce". I actually had good dreams that night that my ex and I were having a civil conversation in our old kitchen. I've read too many articles about being in mentally abusive relationships. It makes me feel embarrassed that I was in one for so long and it terrifies me to think of future relationships. I'm going to really have to trust someone that I date in the future. It's going to take a lot of time....unless I already know him and then all bets might be off. Just kidding, not really.