I am human

I'm generally a happy person, so I guess feelings of unhappiness are normal. My last blog was about me feeling very blah and missing my family and friends. For the record, I don't think that I'm an unhappy person, just get those feelinhs sometimes...so I am like everyone else in that regard!
When I was on the train today I was looking around at everyone (no ipod still!!) and I was thinking about the basic traits we all have that make us similar. I saw faces that looked exhausted, faces that were enjoying the music they were listenting to, faced that reflected thoughts of a far away place...all faces that I've had. Its nice to be around people and to see the similarities. We've all had happiness and have endured struggles and I see people everyday that remind me that we're all the same. Compassion is what I feel for the strangers that I see everyday because I know many have had the same emotions I've had.
I've done the same thing my family did over thirty years ago; move somewhere far away in search of a better future. My family moved from Brazil to a country where they didn't even speak the language, so how hard can this be for me? This is nothing compared to what they experienced. Sacrificing and chasing a better future runs in my family and here I am in New York continuing the chase!

Happiness

Two days ago was my bday...31 now. One year after my "awakening". I think about where I was in my life one year ago. Married, feeling like my life was written out for me being married and working in marketing. I thought about the possibility of not being married and following my dreams of cooking professionally. So here I am, one year later, divorced and employed as a cook in NYC.
Am I happier, yes...in some ways. Life is unpredictable, which is what I wanted but I'm surrounded by people that I've known for a few months. I miss my Tampa friends which I've known for several years. I don't have a boyfriend here and being married for seven years will get you used to always having someone around to cuddle with and love. I hate being alone and that's the hardest part of being here. I always feel some saddness and I hate that. People at work even said that I seem sad....and that is SAD!!
I thought I was a happy person until I moved here. Now I wonder if I'm just an unhappy person. My wish when I see a star is always the same "I wish for hapiness in all areas of my life". Lately that feels impossible. Maybe I am an unhappy person and that's who I am. I made the same wish when I blew out my birthday candles but I don't think that's the answer.
I need to figure out what makes me happy. That is the biggest challenge I face. How the hell do I figure that out??

Moving right along!

Yesterday was officially four months that I've been living in NY. I went home last weekend and fell into a bad case of homesickness when I got back here. I was terribly depressed for a week and now I'm back to normal. It's amazing how adaptable we humans are.
While back home, I spent time with a guy who started as a friend but a relationship has developed between us since I moved. The time I spent with him last weekend was great. I had a lot of concerns that maybe we had gotten too used to texting and wouldn't jive too well in person but that wasn't the case at all. It really seems like we have developed a real relationship..even though I got introduced as a friend...that stung a little bit. He is moving to NY and the plan as of right now, this second, today, is for us to get an apartment together. My roommate knows and she's been super supportive. The thought of moving again is absolutely daunting but the thought of living with this guy and seeing where this relationship could go is exciting enough for me to suck it up and move again.
Its been difficult being single in this city. The guys here seem to be more agressive and seem to want to move quicker to get into some sort of relationship. I've had two guys stick their tongue in my mouth unexpectedly which caused me to stumble home drunk literally spitting in disgust. I can't say that ever happened in Tampa!
I'm finally cooking in a restaurant that I really like. I'm still broke and always feeling that I'm one bill away from bouncing a check. The dilemma is that the more people I meet and the more friends I make, the more I go out and spend money. It's a vicious, stressful, social, fun cycle. I know that it will all change. One day, I'll be making more money. One day, I won't even be living in NY anymore! I'm trying my best to live in the moment and enjoy life as it comes.

New Year's Resolutions

One of my eighteen New Year's resolutions is to blog more often, so here is the start of blogging more often! 2012 resolutions:
1. Do at least two things from the "101 Things To Do Before You Die" book that I bought last month. Some of the possibilities are - Meet someone with my name, Graffiti (I'm in a good city for this one!), Meet an idol (Anthony Bourdain or Fiona Apple), Confess in a confessional booth at church (gotta think of something narley that I done..or graffiti would work too!).
2. Sleep naked more often - I'm fulfilling this one already!
3. Take a trip to visit a friend in another city.
4. Learn to be more upfront with guys that are interested in me and I'm not interested in them - did this yesterday. Do I really have to tell a guy that 22 is too young for 30 year old me? Yes. Yes I did.
5. Blog more often.
6. Take more pictures.
7. Eat dim sum at two different restaurants. I've always wanted to eat dim sum but never have.
8. Get another tattoo.
9. Call my family more often.
10. Eat at restaurants that are on my list of places to eat in New York.
11. Bug friends to visit me in New York.
12. Put time aside to do things I like.
13. Make more money.
14. Explore New York like a tourist.
15. Spend New Years 2012 - 2013 in Brazil with my dad.
16. Create a scrapbook filled with only the weird things that happen to me in New York.
17. Improve my drunk texting.
18. Enter a food eating competition.
I posted on Facebook that finding 20 resolutions was damn tough and a friend posted that 20 is too many. I should pick five or six realistic goals and accomplish those. I don't think she realized that some of my goals are to get a tattoo and improve my drunk texting!
Here's to 2012!!

I quit!

I quit my job this week. Well, it was my externship, but it was paid, so it might as well have been a job. They were working me about 70 hours a week and I wasn't getting treated that great for a majority of those hours. The chef de cuisine was good; brutally honest but fair. Not everyone was like that there. I decided I came all the way to New York...not to endure that! I've applied to mainly cook positions but have also applied to a few management and sever positions. I figure
I'm well-rounded and could do a good job in a few different positions. As long as I'm working in a restaurant I'm happy!
Life in New York is good. I'm learning to shut up in public and to be more introspective. Good stuff. This is a great city and I'm embracing it. I'm happy here.

Be Brave; Be Strong!

Today is the first opportunity that I've gotten to actually walk around New York City. It has been eleven days since I moved here. Today is very overcast and unfortunately, I'm one of those people that are highly affected by the weather, my surroundings and music.
I'm not religious but I stepped into a beautiful church today and sat for a little while. I prayed for courage, confidence, security in the decisions that I've made and to maintain a positive attitude. Its easy to feel down when you're wandering in such a populated city by yourself. My bank account resembles the one of my college days. I see Christmas lights going up around the city and I can't help thinking that I'll be by myself these holidays.
These are the decisions that I've made and I have to believe in them as much as my family and friends do. So many people are so happy for me and are rooting for my success here. They are giving me more strength than they'll ever know and if I make it here its because of them.

No ipod; thanks!

It has been seven days since my move to New York. Its such a big city with so many people and yet no one talks to eachother. The subways are full in the morning but everyone keeps to themselves by listening to their ipod or sleeping. In Florida, we drive in our cars by ourselves and get into accidents because we are texting friends. At the restaurant, everyone quietly does their prep work, again keeping to themselves. I'm in the loudest city but no one talks! All communication is done through car horns.
Friends tell me to get an ipod for the subway rides but I think I've decided to refuse. I think I will try to get people talking. I'm not sure how well this will work and if anyone has every tried this before. I need to take advantage of the fact that I am still starry-eyed and amazed with this city. This is the time to make conscious positive decisions and to not mimic all of the rest of the hardened tired faces that surround me in this city.